Money issues you should settle before the relationship gets serious

A few weeks before my wife and I got married, one topic discussed during our counseling sessions was money. Yes, MONEY. We were privileged to have our pastor teach us a great deal about money. I am convinced, though, that many couples start a family not knowing how money will play a big role in the success or failure of their relationship in the long run.

Many couples experience marital stress due to unsettled financial issues and disagreements in handling money. Poor spending habits, irresponsible use of credit card, and unhealthy communication about each other's financial decisions are among many the stress-causing factors that lead to annulment, separation or divorce (Holland, 2015).

One preventive measure available for couples preparing for marriage is the prenuptial agreement, which is a contract outlining the responsibilities and rights of each party once they get married, which also includes the protection of these rights in the event that the marriage has to be dissolved (Cabrera, 2008, p.70).

While this measure prevents legal problems once irreconcilable issues leave the couple with no choice but to annul the marriage, a prenuptial agreement does nothing to prevent the increase of couples whose marriages are damaged because of money.

For this reason, I believe that the issue of money must be settled right before a man and a woman should even talk about bringing their relationship to the next level.

I am writing to those who are in their exclusive dating or courtship stage. Yes,

"Talk about money before you even consider the possibility of being in a deeper romantic relationship."

I mean, before you even entertain the question if that person you are dating or courting is "the one" for you or not, settle important issues about money first.

HAVE THE SAME MONEY MINDSET

Why talk about money? Should a couple who is just in the early stages of their relationship already discuss serious matters? My answer is YES. You have to treat your relationship as one that can potentially lead to marriage. And marriage is a lifetime commitment which requires the sharing of money and resources (Mack, 2005).

To be clear, I do not mean telling your boyfriend/girlfriend financial information like your bank accounts, inheritance or insurance policies. What you should assess, though, is how that special someone views money and check if it is compatible with your views.

Discussing these issues can help a lot:

1. Do you have the same view about God and money?

Religion is an important element in a relationship. Married couples with different religious beliefs or affiliations can find it very difficult to settle issues on what is right and wrong in the family.

So,

"before you cross that line, discuss issues about religion and how it will influence your respective behavior on money."

For example, a husband might want to devote 10 percent of the family income as tithes to the church he goes to while the wife might want it for her church. Or, one might think that instead of tithing, the family should just spend the money on a luxurious vacation. T

hat is why marriage with someone from a different religion can be confusing both to the couple and to their children. Differences may be small at first but can be serious causes of arguments later on. Hence, it is best to make sure that the person you are pursuing or entertaining shares the same view about God and money.

2. Do you have the same approach to managing the family income like saving, budgeting, borrowing, insurance, and/or investing?

A friend of mine was at the verge of starting a Life Insurance plan for himself because he wants to make sure that whatever happens to him, his wife and three children will not be left empty-handed.

But he did not proceed with the plan. He explained: "Ayaw ni misis eh. Sasali kasi siya sa networking." (My wife does not want it. She's wants to use the money to join a networking business). Efforts to convince him were unsuccessful because he does not want to get into another heated argument with her.

Another friend shared that she has problems with her husband's spending priorities. She could not convince him to start saving for their kids' future education because he prefers to spend money restoring his 1970 Toyota Corolla.

These are few of the many examples you and I can come up with - examples which show that differences in how a couple views money management can lead to stress in the marital relationship.

3. Do you both agree that married couples have to be transparent and consensual in their financial decisions?

Marriage does not require spouses to agree on financial activities all the time. I and my wife also disagree on what to buy, when to bargain, or how much should be spent on an item or a family vacation. But we work hard to ensure that our relationship is transparent and that we mutually agree on issues that can affect the family as a whole.

For example, while we give each other freedom to spend, we made a commitment that we will discuss, deliberate, and agree on an expense that exceeds Php 500.00.

We also know each other's bank accounts, passwords, and the amount of our insurance policies. This is the level of transparency and consensus we want in our marriage. What about you and your special someone? Do you agree on what kind of transparency and consensus are necessary in marriage?

Take this loving advice:

"Before you invest time, money and emotion in that special person, make sure your financial views, habits, goals and priorities are compatible with each other."

A word of caution: If your special someone insists that a married person should have freedom to do what he/she wants with his/her money, or if you observe signs of financial irresponsibility, you might want to reconsider your options before that relationship gets serious.

You might wake up one day married to a person who does not want you to interfere with his/her spending habits and would not disclose where he/she goes to spend the money.

References

Cabrera, A.M. (2008). Thy will be done. (3rd Ed.). Dela Costa, Makati City: Elyon Publishing House

Holland, K. (2015). Fighting with your spouse? It's probably about this. CNBC. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/2015/02/04/money-is-the-leading-cause-of-stress-in- relationships.html

Mack, W. (2005). Strengthening your marriage. Cubao, Quezon City: Church Growth Ministries